One afternoon, in the sauna, I bump my head. Not that hard, but painful still. While I stretch out on my towel, rubbing the sore spot, I realise this is a warning. All creation comes from the field; all our experiences mirror our inner state of being. Even a small incident like bumping my head, means something is asking for attention. So, I close my eyes and bring my awareness within. Immediately, I see myself as a small girl and my father lying on top of me. My first response is one of disgust. Over the years, as my healing progresses, my father, who died when I was eight years old, seems to be coming closer. Where first, the memories of the abuse presented themselves as photo's or a short film in my head, these days I experience them as an energetic overlay, life-size. Although they're energetically in a different realm, I sense the experience as acute as if it were happening right here, right now, feeling his skin on mine, smelling his scent, experiencing the intense fear in me as a child, which makes it incredibly hard to allow the memories to surface. 'He's under the influence of a larger field,' my guides tell me.
'Yes, I know, I've known since I was a small child, I've always seen those yellow eyes in the cloud behind his head.' I answer my guides telepathically, as I do not wish to disturb the other guests in the sauna. 'I know of the collective field of our family and the collective field of abused people; he's attached to both.'
'There's more to it. A group of extra-terrestrials is fueling these collective fields to maximise the harm done, to stop the spiritual development of the human species. They are the negative branch of the Reptilian race, aimed at preventing the ascension of planet Earth.
'Did I sign a contract?'
'No contract; this kind does not abide to cosmic laws.'
To those of you who are new to my work, this may sound far off. Extra-terrestrials manipulating life on Earth? Mad as a hatter, you might think, but for me these experiences are as real as everyday life.
I put the child I once was, who I guess to be around five years old, at my belly and hold her. 'I am so sorry that you had to live through this. But it's over, that was then, and this is now.' As I stroke her hair, I feel her small body sink into mine. She hugs me tightly, putting her nose in my neck. Then, I ask my father to come and sit beside me, and I take his hand. As I cannot bear to look at him yet, I focus on that hand, keeping the rest of the image vague. 'I love you,' I tell him, choked with tears. 'I have always loved you, despite everything you did, but at the same time, I was terrified of you. I know you were abused yourself, and I know my soul played a role in your pain (I am a reincarnation of my grandfather). Sit with me for a while and then please go with your guides, who will take you to an energetic place where you can rest. My field is not strong enough to help you heal.' And so it goes. My father stays by my side for a while and then I see two light beings emerging who take him to the light. 'I pray that you may heal. I pray that you may be able to shift the timeline so that you will be free from our joint history.' To the extra-terrestrials, I say: 'I am who I am and nothing you can do, can change that.' Over the years, I have learned not to fight collective fields, nor to attempt to heal them; all any of us can do is detach from these fields by centring in unity consciousness.
For a while, I rest, enjoying the intense warmth of the sauna, deeply impressed by the whole experience. More and more, I'm starting to realise that for any of us to heal fully, we need to involve the energy fields of all the people involved in the trauma. In other words, if we as an abuse victim wish to heal, we also need to help the abuser heal energetically. In the end, there is no 'I'; we are all one.
Now, if you'd asked me in 2005, when the abuse first surfaced and I was utterly overwhelmed with acute signs of PTSD, to help or even care about my father, it would have been painful and rewounding. At the time, the child in me was too terrified, the pain too intense. But, over the years, as I healed bit by bit, my perspective changed. PTSD, so I have learned from my journey, heals in stages:
- The first stage is one of semi-permanent instability, characterised by almost permanent overwhelm, when we suffer from full-on PTSD, from day to day and hour to hour, caused by the unprocessed emotions from the past like anger, rage and terror that hijack our capacity to function in our everyday reality. All efforts in this phase must be aimed at stabilisation: regaining some of our ability to function in daily life. In this phase, I did therapy sessions weekly, sometimes twice a week.
- The second stage is one of fragile stability when we have some ground to stand on, which gives us a few hours each day to function. Yet, for the larger part of our time, we are suffering from PTSD as most of our memories are still unprocessed, the larger part of the dissociated selves still unintegrated. This phase is aimed at processing our pain sliver by sliver, which requires regular therapy for body, mind and spirit to transform the split-off consciousness and grow our stability. In this phase, I found myself doing two to three sessions per month.
- The third stage is one of increased stability when we can function for a few days, or even a few weeks without being triggered. Still, we need to do trauma work, but the ground we stand on is growing. In this phase, I did about one therapy session per month. This is also the stage that I first started working on my father's healing, as well as my own.
- The fourth stage is one of semi-permanent stability when we can function without being triggered for many months in a row, and at times even forget we'd been abused at all. It is a time of increasing well-being and happiness, as the outer world mirrors our inner reality. Most of the trauma has been processed, but now and then, some unprocessed piece may still pop up. When it does, it is not less intense to address, but the process goes much quicker. Where in the past, it could take me weeks to process an experience, these days it can go as fast as within 24 hours.
It is hard to draw exact lines between the stages, and it is virtually impossible to predict the length of each stage; it varies. I realise this blog may leave you with questions. If so, feel free to mail me, so I can address it in a future blog. For an overview of healing approaches to trauma, please refer to the free download on my website.